OK, guess what, based on the headline of this week’s column? I’m NOT pregnant, but this week I do get to do something that I’d always associated with pregnancy: I’m getting an ultrasound on my stomach!

Pretty exciting, and given my natural tendency toward awkwardness, it’s going to be a great time for all involved.

The reason for my ultrasound is doctors are trying to figure out if I have an ulcer in my intestines. And considering how brutal I’ve been feeling lately, and the fact that I’ve been taking medication meant to treat ulcers for several weeks, I’m going to assume they are onto something.

But that’s definitely not how all the young mothers at the clinic are going to see me, because I’ve got some spectacular plans to make this a fantastic event.

I’m going to wear mom-jeans that draw in at my waist, and a loose top, in an effort to look as maternal as possible. The outfit, plus the fact that I can easily be mistaken for a 17-year-old on any given day, might be enough to make several of the planned-pregnant parents stare at me with disdain. No matter how cool MTV tries to make it look, and the dozens of teen moms you may know who are awesome, teen pregnancy isn’t really something that’s encouraged and celebrated.

But I’m not going to stop there. Oh no, I’ve got several other tricks ready to be unleashed on the unsuspecting parents-to-be.

I’m going to take along a flask full of water (or juice, hard to decide) and a pack of cigarettes and carry them in my purse. Then I’m going to accidentally knock the whole thing over and spill the contents on the floor. And, of course, I’m going to curse wildly and make a huge scene while I scrape everything back into my bag. I may even take a swig from my flask. The picture of a perfect parent. *(I should note RIGHT NOW that I don’t smoke, and I don’t even own a pack of cigarettes. So relax, Mom and Dad).

I may also make a phone call to discuss the crazy party I’m planning for July long weekend (I’m not planning a huge party), and then rub my belly and giggle about how I’m going to raise my baby to be the best partier ever, since it’s been doing keg stands before it was even born. How cute is that?!

And to cap everything off, during this phone call, I hope to bring up the question of paternity, and scuff off the possibility of several potential fathers, because obviously I’ll be able to tell who the dad was based on what the baby looks like. Right?

I hope that my act is convincing and I get several people riled up for no reason. I cannot wait!

Tonaya Marr doesn’t find FAS funny, or smoking during pregnancy, or paternity mysteries. Well, paternity mysteries are a little bit funny. But anyway, if you want to know how this adventure went, send Tonaya an email at tonaya.m...@gmail.com or tweet her @TonayaMarr.