There are probably hardly any women in the world who haven’t heard this phrase. Be a lady...
Be a lady, don’t climb the trees. Be a lady, watch your mouth, but don’t be a mouse. Be a lady, don’t cross your legs. Be a lady, don’t put your legs too far apart. You have to be small, you have to be bright, you have to be smart, you have to be quiet.
I was growing up with all that, and most of the other statements from Be a Lady They Said, read by Sex and the City’s Cynthia Nixon in the powerful three-minute video released last week.
The video is a shorter version of a piece of writing by Camille Rainville that first saw light through her blog Writings of a Furious Woman in 2017 and is filled with conflicting messages that women across the world have been receiving throughout their lives.
“Be a lady they said. Your skirt is too short. Your shirt is too low. Don’t show so much skin. Cover up. Leave something to the imagination. Don’t be a temptress. Men can’t control themselves,” reads Nixon in the video.
The piece consists of messages about how women should look and dress, behave and eat, engage in relationships with men and appear at work.
“Be a lady they said. Remove your body hair. Bleach this. Bleach that. Eradicate your scars. Cover your stretch marks. Plump your lips. Botox your wrinkles. Lift your face. Tuck your tummy. Perk up your boobs. Look natural. You’re trying too hard. You look overdone. Men don’t like girls who try too hard,” continues Nixon with the float of most widespread oppressive controversies, to which most women can add their particular examples.
With word-messages in the background, images of women trying to achieve impossible standards and play traditional gender roles glimpse on the screen. The video also touches on issues of feminism and messages we hear about sexual assault like victim-blaming.
“Be a lady they said. Don’t get raped. Don’t drink too much. Don’t walk alone. Don’t go out too late. Don’t dress like that. Don’t get drunk. Don’t smile at strangers. Don’t go out at night. Don’t trust anyone. Don’t say yes. Don’t say no,” reads Nixon.
And while most of these messages are aimed at regulating women’s behaviours and appearance in the men's world, most of those phrases we usually hear from each other, from our mothers, colleagues and girlfriends. In online discussions generated by the viral video, many people pointed out that fact as a sign of women against women's oppression, which just underlined that these unachievable messages are so deeply entwined in our culture that many refuse to even try to see the roots.
However, I felt that in reality, the video was just drawing a picture of an enormous pressure that women are carrying alongside with hundreds of other duties every day and that most of the men can't understand.
Even though the piece was criticized for not opening up the topic and not offering ways out of these double binds (which I believe wasn't its goal at all), it definitely carries weight.
The first time I watched it, it made me pause, then watch it again, than read the words. The life consisting of these phrases was dancing in front of my eyes with moments when those words hurt or when I managed to ignore or resist them, slowing down in that stream. And then I recalled that one lunch last year, when all these messages scattered as a house of cards and almost didn’t exist anymore, at least for some time.
It was the Women of Today Awards luncheon here in Estevan, the event that’s been happening for many years and that’s coming up again next month. That’s the event, where women step forward and break the sky-load of the pressure for many by their own examples, experiences and life paths, in which they found the strength to acknowledge the problems and discovered their ways to navigate through these messages. That memory for me became a natural continuation of the discussion started by Be a Lady, They Said.
So if you’ve never been to a Women of Today Awards, or if the video touched you, I would sincerely recommend you to mark April 22 on your calendar.
