“Hello, Newport News Shipyard? I’d like to buy an aircraft carrier.
“No, I’m not joking. I represent the Canadian government. I would like to buy a Ford-class nuclear powered aircraft carrier. You know, the one with the fancy schmancy electromagnetic catapults and arresting wires. Not one of those old Nimitz-class ones. They’re soooo 1970s. I want a 21st century carrier.
“Yes, I know it’s nuclear powered. We mine uranium in Saskatchewan, remember? We can handle that.
“What’s the cost you say? US$13 billion? That’s about C$17 billion? Okay. I’ll just keep talking Yankee Doddle Dandy money here so we don’t get confused, then convert to Monopoly money at the end, eh?
“Very good. Okay, so, like, when I go buy my pickup, they always have these bells and whistles, so can you tell me what those might be? Oh, yes, planes. I might need some of those. About 75, you say? And you call that an air wing? I thought those older Nimitz carriers carried 90 planes. Don’t need that many anymore? Okay, fine 75. I might get a few more. Where do I get them from? Call Lockheed Boeing and Grumman, then call you back about some the other stuff I might need, like floor mats, undercoating and escort vessels? Okay. Be right back.”
>Click<
“Hello Lockheed? I’m from the Canadian government. I was just talking to your good buddies down in Newport News about buying a new carrier, and they tell me I need some planes, so I should call you first about some F-35Cs. Yeah, I need 36. That’s right, 36. Yes, I know that’s about half of what Canada was talking about for buying for the whole country, but we want this to be a gooder, so give me the full 36. Three squadrons. Right. US$121 million a pop, eh? So that’s $4.4 billion, give ’er take? Okay, put us down for 36.
“Oh, and you now own Sikorsky, too, right? I need 19 of those Seahawks helicopters. No, not those piece of crap Cyclones you sold us. Seahawks, got it? R and S models. About US$45 million each? About US$855 million. Okay, put me down for that, two. I might have to get back to you, cause I’m buying some escorts that will need choppers, too. Okay, bye.”
>Click<
“Boeing, old buddy! Yeah, it’s me, your Canadian hoser! Yeah, that guy. Remember we got all pissy about that Bombardier C-series tariff thing? Well, we’re over that, and we need some Super Hornets. Yeah, that’s right, the whole shebang – F-18E, F and G models. That’s right, G for Growler. I want a couple 12-plane squadrons of Es and Fs, and another five Growlers. How much? US$70 million each? So that’s US$2 billion? Okay. Get em to me quick and we’ll thrown in a case of Crown Royale. Later, gator.”
>Click<
“Grumman! How’s it going? I’m calling from Canada! We’d like to buy some of your planes. Yes, I know it’s been a very long time since Canada flew Grummans off a carrier. We’re trying to make up for that now. We need four E-2D Hawkeyes and two C-2 Greyhounds. You say they’re US$176 million and US$40 million a crack, eh? US$784 million. Okay. Get ‘em here quick.
>Click<
“Okay, Newport News, you said you had some escorts for me? You can relay a message to your other division of Huntington Ingalls in Maine? Okay. We’re going to need some escorts for a carrier strike group. I guess we can’t get anymore of those Ticonderoga Class Aegis cruisers, so we’re going to keep it simple and use Arleigh Burke Class Aegis destroyers instead. No, I don’t want any frigates, that’s the whole reason we’re in this mess in the first place. How many do I need? Five? At US$2.2 billion each? Done. And I need two choppers each? Okay, I’ll call Lockheed back and add them.
And you say I might want a couple subs for escorts. How about the ones we already have? Too slow, eh? Okay. I’ll call Electric Boat.
“Yes, we have a new supply ship. We’re good, but thanks for offering.”
>Click<
“Electric Boat? Yeah, Canadian government here. We need two Virginia-class subs. How much? US$2.7 billion? Done. Build ‘em, please. Yes, we’re polite that way.
>Click<
Muttering to self: “Okay, carrier, US$13 billion; air wing, US$8.5 billion; surface escorts, US$11 billion; sub escorts, US$5.4 billion. That comes to US$37.9 billion. We’re going to need some bombs and bullets for all this, so let’s throw in another, oh, US$6 billion. That should cover it. So about US$43.9 billion gets a new and fully armed carrier strike group. What’s that in Canadian? C$56 billion.
“And the Royal Canadian navy figures it’s now going to cost us C$60 billion, give or take, for just 15 surface combatants, i.e. big frigates or small destroyers.
“Something’s not right here…."
